Hey Dr Sue — Why Is The Term “Losing Your Virginity” Bad?

Thanks — I’m glad someone asked! The person who submitted this question did so in response to a comment I made in this post on college virgins.

I’ve never been a huge fan of this term for a lot of reasons. For one, it’s the whole idea that having sex means you have to lose something. For some it may losing your “virginity.” For others it may mean more than just that. Sometimes there’s an implication that once you have sex, you’re not “pure” anymore, or that you’ve “lost your innocence.”

This idea of the loss of something being tied to sex has a huge negative connotation. That can be really challenging for people who live in a society that already shames (some) people for having sex.

And that brings me to my second issue with the term — we don’t apply it the same way to people of different genders. Stereotypically, if you’re a guy and you wait too long to have sex for the first time, then there must be something wrong with you.

If you’re a girl and you lost your virginity “too soon,” well that means you’re a … we all know the words people use in this situation so I don’t really feel the need to write them out.

Women are taught that they lose something after they have sex. That gives the person they’re having sex with a lot of power, and that can…